Since my previous blog post on ‘I wonder…’, a school has asked for more information on different ways of responding to children, particularly during their play. I wrote the resource below for that particular school, and thought I’d share it here as well (I apologise for the slight repetition in places). Although the examples are more school specific, the ideas can be used at home and in other settings as well.

Different ways of responding to children

The way we respond to children can have a huge impact upon their behaviour, their self-concept, and the connection between us and the child. Some responses will create resentment and disrespect, whereas others help the child to feel understood and supported.

The methods below focus on noticing what the child is doing and saying, and what we think they are feeling and thinking. These methods show the child that we are interested in what they are doing, that we understand them (or want to understand them), and that we accept them for who they are, whilst providing boundaries to keep them and us safe.

By avoiding questions, we avoid shutting down a child through fear of getting the answer ‘wrong’ or feeling that they are in trouble, and often enable the child to elaborate more on what they are doing or thinking.

Ways of starting statements:

• I wonder…

• I notice/I have noticed…

• I can see…

• It looks/seems/sounds like…

These can be used individually or in combination with each other, and can be used in any situation including lessons and free play.

For example:

I wonder why [character name] often ends up fighting (when playing with small world characters)

I wonder if we could find the answer/do that in a different way (when problem solving)

I wonder what those characters would say to each other if they could talk

I’ve noticed there are often battles/wars going on (small world/role play)

I’ve noticed you often seem to [go and get a drink] when it’s time for [maths]

I notice [character name] is always getting hurt – I wonder how he feels

I notice that you are [specific behaviour] and I wonder if you are waiting for me to ask you to stop/tell you off/take it away/something else appropriate to the behaviour

I can see that you are trying to tell me something but I’m finding it hard to work out what you need

I can see that you are getting frustrated – I wonder if you need something to make it easier

I seems like you are finding this really difficult – I wonder what I can do to help

It sounds like that has made you feel angry

It looks like you didn’t want to come to school today – it’s hard to do things that we don’t want to and it can make us feel angry or upset.

ACT – Acknowledge, Communicate, Target

Children need boundaries to feel safe, and often want to test the boundaries to ensure they will be held firm. Children also often behave in a way that fulfils a need (whether that’s the need for connection, experience or power) but that pushes against a boundary. It is important for children to be understood and to have their needs fulfilled, but in a way that keeps everyone and everything safe.

ACT is a simple acronym that can help you remember three things when you see behaviour which is pushing boundaries – either school boundaries or ones individual to you.

A – Acknowledge

Acknowledge the child’s feeling or need

C – Communicate

Communicate the boundary

T – Target

Target the alternative

For example:

I can see that you want to hit something. I am not for hitting. You can hit this cushion.

I can see that you want to draw. The walls are not for drawing on. You can draw on this paper.

I can see you need to throw something. Throwing is for outside. You can go outside and throw balls.

SAY WHAT YOU SEE

I would also recommend “SAY WHAT YOU SEE® for Parents and Teachers” by Sandy Blackard. She has put a simple explanation of each chapter online which you can read for free – it’s a really useful tool which covers how to ‘Say what you see’ at the most basic level, as well as how to expand it to develop a child’s inner strengths and build their self-confidence (STRENGTHS), and using ACT (which she calls CAN DOs) to implement boundaries and build co-operation whilst still showing children that they are being understood.

https://book.languageoflistening.com

Header photo is a stock image for illustrative purposes only